Friday, July 26, 2002
(Art by Micah Wright at www.micahwright.com)
I think that Oliver Willis makes a clever strategic decision—so rare among the Warbloggers—to be pro war but anti-Bush. Quick question: Who would give you more confidence the proper pronunciation challenged resident Bush or a war veteran, or even a guy who has the magical ability to pronounce “Malfeasance” or is it really “Malfeant”…What a Frellin’ Moron.
Anyway, here’s some of Oliver’s wacky headlines:
D-Day 'Invasion' Violates French Sovereignty
Amnesty Int'l Accuses Allies of Human Rights Violations in 'Wholesale Slaughter' of Nazi Soldiers
America Vs. Japan: Why We Should Give Up The Hawaiian Islands
Oh that’s rich there Ollie. But you’re assuming that we’ll have FDR, arguably one of our greatest presidents, and a comparatively unbought off legislature. Let’s reimagine those headlines and freely ripoff the John Dos Passos Newsreel technique. (Here’s a page of other imitators by the way…), some Phil K. Dick alt history and our current Fearless Leader and away we go…
BUSH DECLARES ITALY, CHINA AND AFGHANISTAN TO BE AXIS OF EVIL
(AP): President Bush vows the Chinese will pay for this Day of Infamy. And in another development the President refused all calls for food and gas rationing, refused to rethink the nation’s industrial output in a time of war, refused to allow the hiring of women for industrial jobs, refused to initiate the temporary legalization of hemp production and refused to answer questions about his family’s involvement with the Nazis—who we are not at war with.
ALLIANCE WITH OUR NEW PALS THE GERMANS
(UPI Editorial) by Helen Thomas
AREN'T GERMANS THE REAL ENEMY?
I can’t believe we’re not at war with the Germans. The Germans are really evil. They’re bad. True, they give a lot in campaign money and now that they’ve conquered all of the countries in the mideast (It was rumored they were going to attack Russia but they shifted their forces…) I guess we’re dependent on them. But we’re really not dependent on them. It’s as if the government chooses not to do the right thing because of certain special interest groups. Of course, the question is does the government act on behalf of the best interests of the country, of mankind even, or on behalf of American and German industrialists…It’s as if we inhabit some horrible alternate reality that would make for great Hollywood movies thirty years from now.
NEW YORK TIMES EDITORIAL
We find ourselves baffled by the president’s decision-making. It’s clear that we should be attacking Japan, not China. Furthermore, we are of the opinion that Hitler and his Third Reich are more of a threat to our ideals than Afghanistan. We think that our new dependency on Germany, brought about by their invasion and total conquest of the mideastern oil reserves has clouded the president’s judgment, not to mention the fact that his family has an oil background and looks to be raking in the big bucks. We just don’t get it. Plus, he seems to be a nepotistic dolt who can’t pronounce words. No wonder the stock market falls whenever he speaks. What a Frellin’ Moron. (Look, the New York Times editorialists talked that way back then…)
V STANDS FOR VICTORY IN ITALY
(AP): The proxy troops that we’re employing to fight the evildoers conquered Italy today. Oddly enough, there were very little casualties as it turned out the opposing fascist forces simply threw up their hands, shook the hands of our proxy forces and proclaimed alliance with our new transparent puppet government. The evildoers were allowed to keep their weapons, return to their villages and renew their lucrative heroin trade. “V is for Victory” gushed President Bush, hidden in an undisclosed location, but who managed to correctly pronounce victory.
BUSH CONDEMNS ACTIONS OF “TERRORIST” FRENCH RESISTANCE
AND DEFENDS GERMANY’S RIGHT TO DEFEND ITSELF
“NO MORAL EQUIVALATION” SPOUTS THE PREZ
IN FACT EDITORIAL BY GEORGE SELDES
ARE GERMANS WORKING ON SUPER WEAPON?
This so-called “war” has been a complete disaster. Abroad it’s made us at best a mockery of our best aspects and at worst allied with the values of Fascists, who mask their power grabs and their civilian murders with the rhetoric of patriotism and national security. We fought by proxy in Italy (We can’t find Mussolini or any of his top captains…) and it’s not sure if we actually won anything other than the complete hatred of the Italian people. Clearly, the war should have been against both Japan and Germany, where there are rumors of a Jewish massacre, but the complete monied corruption of the administration only allows us to bomb Afghanistan, a small incidental pawn in this The Great Game. At home, the war has been used as a thin excuse to crush civil liberties and roundup opposition members. It’s rumored that there are more than 6 million being held secretly without the benefits of trial or defense counsel. To be frank, it’s not known if they’re alive or dead. We can certainly count on the fact that they face misery or torture. They’ll probably be coming for me soon. What’s worse, there’s this rumor that Germany is working on a super weapon. Of course, Einstein, now dead, and Leo Szilard were deported back to Germany. President Bush suspended all American research into new weapons and energy resources because it was clearly known that he thought that such research would harm the interests of the oil companies and our good friends the Germans and their indirect thralls the Saudi monarchy…What are the Germans working on? What?